| It is amazing to be able to say I am a
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| | tiny street near the historic Mission
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| whole, happy, healthy, loving woman. I
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| | Dolores. The worst storm of the season
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| was sick for the first 40 years of my
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| | was on its way and my roof was leaking
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| life. Like millions of other human beings
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| | profusely. I was in dire straits
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| I grew up immersed in the family disease
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| | financially, having been newly divorced.
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| of alcoholism. For generations it has
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| | I was preparing to fix it myself.
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| plagued my family. The unbalanced life I
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| | Unfortunately my ladder wasnt tall
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| led is so common in our society; I didnt
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| | enough. I needed help. None of the folks
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| know anything was wrong. I was a
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| | I knew were home that Saturday morning
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| participant in the chaos, confusion,
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| | but I noticed an open door directly
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| neuroses, pain and suffering which is
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| | across from my house. I hurried upstairs
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| present in dysfunctional families. I
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| | to the second story flat in the azure
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| call it The Dance of Death.
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| | painted duplex and walked down the long
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| I grew up in St. Louis, Missouri in the
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| | corridor to the living room. There on
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| community of Clayton. The only memories
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| | the sofa was a guy watching the football
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| I have of my father are when he would
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| | game on T.V. I introduced myself and
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| beat my brother and me with his belt so
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| | then proceeded to ask for his assistance.
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| severely my clothes would cling to the
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| | He looked at me like I was nuts. The
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| bloody strap marks on my legs. He would
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| | silence was deafening. How often does a
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| make us wait for our punishment in our
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| | stranger enter your apartment with a
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| room before he dealt the ugly blows. My
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| | request for help with a major repair? I
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| mother closed her eyes to what was
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| | was flushed with embarrassment but was in
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| happening. Both of them partied on
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| | too deep to recover. Fortunately he
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| weekends where I would find empty
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| | agreed to help me.
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| highball glasses scattered all over the
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| | This uncommon beginning signaled the
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| living room. I had holes in th e soles
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| | magic that lay before us. The sparks
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| of my shoes while my mother would model a
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| | flew. We went on our first date within
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| new diamond cocktail ring, winnings from
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| | days of this meeting. Bryans car was
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| a weekly poker game. My dad was also a
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| | broken so we took the bus across the city
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| compulsive gambler. He died at the age
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| | to an authentic Moroccan restaurant where
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| of 45 when I was nine years old.
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| | we sat on paisley cushions and ate with
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| My mother attracted another alcoholic to
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| | our fingers. I remember clearly how
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| her life soon after my fathers death.
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| | primitive this felt and how natural it
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| They had a symbiotic, codependent and
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| | was to be with him. He didnt seem the
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| addictive relationship. Every ten days
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| | least bit concerned about my age. I, on
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| they would consume a case of scotch which
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| | the other hand, was more sensitive. I
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| was delivered to our apartment from the
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| | was still healing from the codependent
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| local liquor store. My mother never
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| | relationship of 12 years and had never
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| appeared drunk but she was distant,
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| | experienced true intimacy. I wasnt sure
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| selfish and narcissistic. My step
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| | it was the proper thing to do but I
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| fathers disease had progressed to the
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| | couldnt help myself; I was falling in
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| point he was visibly inebriated most
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| | love. I was scared because these
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| evenings. His attitude was
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| | feelings were coming so quickly.
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| condescending, nasty and self righteous.
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| | Bryan moved in with me within weeks of
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| He was verbally abusive and drove his car
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| | our first meeting. I remember thinking
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| while intoxicated on many occasions.
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| | if it didnt work out it would be easy to
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| When I think back to that period of my
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| | ask him to leave because all he owned was
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| history I remember keeping my personal
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| | a T.V. For Valentines Day he created a
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| life secret!!! I was ashamed of their
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| | hanging wire mobile in the shape of
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| behavior. I pretended all was well and I
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| | intertwined hearts and presented it to me
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| began developing neurotic habits for self
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| | with flowers and chocolate. This type of
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| preservation.
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| | thoughtful gesture is typical of Bryan.
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| In my teens I danced several days after
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| | He has never missed a special occasion
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| school, participated in theater groups,
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| | and has often surprised me with jewelry
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| worked in a department store and had
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| | when he returns from a business trip.
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| creative life in my head. I imagined the
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| | One evening in the spring we were waiting
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| way I wanted my world to be and was in
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| | to board a dinner train in Mendocino. A
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| denial as to the truth in front of me. I
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| | drunken man approached us and said, How
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| became obsessive, compulsive and an over
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| | come you two are dressed up? Are you
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| achiever. Because I worked so hard I
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| | getting married? Bryan looked at me and
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| accomplished a lot for a young girl but
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| | said, Yes, we are arent we? That was his
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| the reality was it was inspired by fear,
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| | proposal. It was decided we would plan a
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| insecurity and a need for control.
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| | wedding for later that year. But, first
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| In college I devoted myself to art and
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| | I needed to meet Bryans mother.
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| earned a B.S. in Education and a M.A. in
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| | Just the thought of it terrified me!
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| Painting and Ceramics from the University
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| | Bryan and his mother, Sharon, have a rare
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| of Missouri. I was hired as a college
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| | bond. He insisted he would not tell
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| instructor soon after graduate school. I
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| | anyone about our engagement until she and
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| felt happy for a time because I was away
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| | I met. We drove to southern California
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| from home and involved in teaching. I
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| | where Sharon was visiting her sister,
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| took my job very seriously but the
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| | Bryans aunt. I felt sick the entire
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| loneliness I felt when I was by myself
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| | trip. I knew in advance he was going to
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| was debilitating.
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| | take his mother shopping the next morning
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| I longed for love . . . any kind. I
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| | alone to break the news to her. I
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| didnt realize it at the time but I had
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| | couldnt sleep at all that night. What
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| never felt affection. I became
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| | felt so right to Bryan and me was
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| preoccupied with thoughts of men. I had
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| | unusual, especially in the eyes of a
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| guys on my mind constantly! I was
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| | parent. When they returned from their
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| popular and had many choices but I picked
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| | excursion Sharon looked like she had just
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| the ones who I thought needed me. Most
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| | come from a funeral. Fortunately, for
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| often they were from dysfunctional
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| | me, Aunt Toby accepted the situation and
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| families. I dated a lot of drunks during
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| | eased the tension by giving me a white
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| my 20s. It felt familiar. In spite of
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| | angel ornament. His mother is a
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| my success as an artist and a teacher, I
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| | wonderful woman. In spite of her
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| had low self esteem and I knew something
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| | disappointment, she welcomed me into
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| was wrong with me.
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| | their family. Over the years our
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| In l969 I began a new life in another
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| | relationship has evolved into a unique
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| city. Within a week of moving to Boston,
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| | friendship, a cross between a peer and a
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| Massachusetts, I was brutally raped and
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| | sister.
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| hospitalized. I never received help with
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| | December 7, 1986, dressed in an ivory
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| this trauma and didnt properly grieve
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| | colored Victorian gown, I was driven to
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| until years later. I pushed down the
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| | our wedding in a horse drawn carriage. I
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| pain and was then, more than ever,
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| | remember the sensation well. As I heard
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| resolved to create the perfect life for
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| | the clip-pity clop of the hoofs hitting
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| myself, (as if it were in my hands?)
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| | the pavement I felt it was the happiest
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| This was made easy for me when Joey
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| | day of my life. The ride was several
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| Haudel entered my life. He filled the
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| | miles long and I enjoyed cars honking
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| position of my Knight in Shining Armour,
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| | loudly at every turn. When we arrived at
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| albeit, distorted. He was young,
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| | the elegant Alamo Square Inn Bryan was
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| handsome, and alcoholic and had just been
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| | waiting to escort me inside to the
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| released from prison. We needed each
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| | nuptials. It was a good thing he took my
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| other like ducks need water. We bonded
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| | hand, for as I exited the carriage, my
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| in a codependent relationship that lasted
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| | knees collapsed from shaking so hard.
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| 12 years.
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| | The day was spectacular marking a
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| Our experiences together were astounding.
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| | lifetime of love.
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| What I learned about myself was
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| | Both Bryan and I had always wanted kids.
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| profound. Our journey is almost
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| | By the time we met my biological clock
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| unbelievable. I have told this story in
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| | had run out. He told me he would rather
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| a dramatic narrative, I Survived: One
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| | marry a woman he loved deeply than to
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| Womans Journey of Self Healing and
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| | wait for someone to bear his children.
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| Transformation on DVD. It is filled with
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| | For several years we were content to be a
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| the dark world of illness and moves to
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| | unit of two. After my dear Aunt Letha
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| the light of wellness. I reached my
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| | died in 1992 I longed for a child. Bryan
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| bottom after years of suffering. I was
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| | agreed to adoption. It was an arduous
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| contemplating suicide but was saved by
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| | experience requiring patience and
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| the Grace of God and the dear voice of a
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| | resilience. We had several birthmothers
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| telephone operator who kept me on the
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| | who changed their minds for different
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| phone for over an hour.
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| | reasons. This process took three years
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| I spent years in recovery; beginning with
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| | and a great deal of money. Ultimately we
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| Al-Anon meetings in 1973, several series
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| | were blessed with a baby girl we named
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| of Adult Children of Alcoholic Therapy
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| | Mariah. Our daughter is now 8 years old
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| Sessions, individual therapy with
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| | and the light of our life. I am grateful
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| numerous therapists and devouring self
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| | I am able to be a good parent and I
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| help books. I had the courage to look
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| | relish every moment I spend with both of
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| within and face the demons. It wasnt
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| | them as a family.
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| easy and many times I wanted to quit. I
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| | Bryan continues to be my rock, strength
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| often felt I was too depressed to get
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| | and loving support. During our years
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| well. One step at a time I forged ahead
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| | together I have had many tragedies
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| and never looked back! I visualized a
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| | including: my brother Johns suicide in
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| healthy prognosis. Today I am living
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| | 1988, my ex- husband Joeys death from
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| that beautiful picture!
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| | alcoholism in 1989, and my girlfriend
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| I am happily married to a man 19 years my
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| | Debras suicide in 2002. I was
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| junior. What makes our relationship
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| | hospitalized with a potentially life
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| extraordinary is that my husband was born
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| | threatening blood clot in my lungs in
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| in 1960 the year after I graduated from
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| | 1998. Bryan stood by me through all of
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| high school. I am older than his mother.
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| | these. I married a great guy! I am a
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| We recently celebrated our 17th
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| | fortunate woman to have found true love
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| anniversary and continue to share the
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| | in the heart of a younger man.
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| most fabulous life. The secret of our
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| | Each day I thank God for the gifts I have
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| success is our deeply committed love for
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| | been given. I see my world as peaceful
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| one another. We enjoy a passionate
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| | and balanced. My mission is to inspire
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| romance. I wish what Bryan and I have
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| | people to their own healing and recovery.
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| could be sprinkled over the world like
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| | It is truly possible to find serenity,
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| angel dust.
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| | joy and love. If I can do it, so can
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| We met in 1985 during a rainy winter in
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| | you.
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| San Francisco. We were neighbors on a
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|
