| It is amazing to be able to say I am a whole, | | | | We met in 1985 during a rainy winter in San |
| happy, healthy, loving woman. I was sick for the | | | | Francisco. We were neighbors on a tiny street |
| first 40 years of my life. Like millions of other | | | | near the historic Mission Dolores. The worst storm |
| human beings I grew up immersed in the family | | | | of the season was on its way and my roof was |
| disease of alcoholism. For generations it has | | | | leaking profusely. I was in dire straits financially, |
| plagued my family. The unbalanced life I led is so | | | | having been newly divorced. I was preparing to |
| common in our society; I didnt know anything | | | | fix it myself. Unfortunately my ladder wasnt tall |
| was wrong. I was a participant in the chaos, | | | | enough. I needed help. None of the folks I knew |
| confusion, neuroses, pain and suffering which is | | | | were home that Saturday morning but I noticed |
| present in dysfunctional families. I call it The Dance | | | | an open door directly across from my house. I |
| of Death. | | | | hurried upstairs to the second story flat in the |
| I grew up in St. Louis, Missouri in the community | | | | azure painted duplex and walked down the long |
| of Clayton. The only memories I have of my | | | | corridor to the living room. There on the sofa was |
| father are when he would beat my brother and | | | | a guy watching the football game on T.V. I |
| me with his belt so severely my clothes would | | | | introduced myself and then proceeded to ask for |
| cling to the bloody strap marks on my legs. He | | | | his assistance. He looked at me like I was nuts. |
| would make us wait for our punishment in our | | | | The silence was deafening. How often does a |
| room before he dealt the ugly blows. My mother | | | | stranger enter your apartment with a request for |
| closed her eyes to what was happening. Both of | | | | help with a major repair? I was flushed with |
| them partied on weekends where I would find | | | | embarrassment but was in too deep to recover. |
| empty highball glasses scattered all over the living | | | | Fortunately he agreed to help me. |
| room. I had holes in th e soles of my shoes while | | | | This uncommon beginning signaled the magic that |
| my mother would model a new diamond cocktail | | | | lay before us. The sparks flew. We went on our |
| ring, winnings from a weekly poker game. My dad | | | | first date within days of this meeting. Bryans car |
| was also a compulsive gambler. He died at the | | | | was broken so we took the bus across the city |
| age of 45 when I was nine years old. | | | | to an authentic Moroccan restaurant where we |
| My mother attracted another alcoholic to her life | | | | sat on paisley cushions and ate with our fingers. I |
| soon after my fathers death. They had a | | | | remember clearly how primitive this felt and how |
| symbiotic, codependent and addictive relationship. | | | | natural it was to be with him. He didnt seem the |
| Every ten days they would consume a case of | | | | least bit concerned about my age. I, on the other |
| scotch which was delivered to our apartment | | | | hand, was more sensitive. I was still healing from |
| from the local liquor store. My mother never | | | | the codependent relationship of 12 years and had |
| appeared drunk but she was distant, selfish and | | | | never experienced true intimacy. I wasnt sure it |
| narcissistic. My step fathers disease had | | | | was the proper thing to do but I couldnt help |
| progressed to the point he was visibly inebriated | | | | myself; I was falling in love. I was scared because |
| most evenings. His attitude was condescending, | | | | these feelings were coming so quickly. |
| nasty and self righteous. He was verbally abusive | | | | Bryan moved in with me within weeks of our first |
| and drove his car while intoxicated on many | | | | meeting. I remember thinking if it didnt work out |
| occasions. When I think back to that period of my | | | | it would be easy to ask him to leave because all |
| history I remember keeping my personal life | | | | he owned was a T.V. For Valentines Day he |
| secret!!! I was ashamed of their behavior. I | | | | created a hanging wire mobile in the shape of |
| pretended all was well and I began developing | | | | intertwined hearts and presented it to me with |
| neurotic habits for self preservation. | | | | flowers and chocolate. This type of thoughtful |
| In my teens I danced several days after school, | | | | gesture is typical of Bryan. He has never missed |
| participated in theater groups, worked in a | | | | a special occasion and has often surprised me |
| department store and had creative life in my | | | | with jewelry when he returns from a business |
| head. I imagined the way I wanted my world to | | | | trip. |
| be and was in denial as to the truth in front of | | | | One evening in the spring we were waiting to |
| me. I became obsessive, compulsive and an over | | | | board a dinner train in Mendocino. A drunken man |
| achiever. Because I worked so hard I | | | | approached us and said, How come you two are |
| accomplished a lot for a young girl but the reality | | | | dressed up? Are you getting married? Bryan |
| was it was inspired by fear, insecurity and a need | | | | looked at me and said, Yes, we are arent we? |
| for control. | | | | That was his proposal. It was decided we would |
| In college I devoted myself to art and earned a | | | | plan a wedding for later that year. But, first I |
| B.S. in Education and a M.A. in Painting and | | | | needed to meet Bryans mother. |
| Ceramics from the University of Missouri. I was | | | | Just the thought of it terrified me! Bryan and his |
| hired as a college instructor soon after graduate | | | | mother, Sharon, have a rare bond. He insisted he |
| school. I felt happy for a time because I was | | | | would not tell anyone about our engagement until |
| away from home and involved in teaching. I took | | | | she and I met. We drove to southern California |
| my job very seriously but the loneliness I felt | | | | where Sharon was visiting her sister, Bryans aunt. |
| when I was by myself was debilitating. | | | | I felt sick the entire trip. I knew in advance he |
| I longed for love . . . any kind. I didnt realize it at | | | | was going to take his mother shopping the next |
| the time but I had never felt affection. I became | | | | morning alone to break the news to her. I couldnt |
| preoccupied with thoughts of men. I had guys on | | | | sleep at all that night. What felt so right to Bryan |
| my mind constantly! I was popular and had many | | | | and me was unusual, especially in the eyes of a |
| choices but I picked the ones who I thought | | | | parent. When they returned from their excursion |
| needed me. Most often they were from | | | | Sharon looked like she had just come from a |
| dysfunctional families. I dated a lot of drunks | | | | funeral. Fortunately, for me, Aunt Toby accepted |
| during my 20s. It felt familiar. In spite of my | | | | the situation and eased the tension by giving me |
| success as an artist and a teacher, I had low self | | | | a white angel ornament. His mother is a wonderful |
| esteem and I knew something was wrong with | | | | woman. In spite of her disappointment, she |
| me. | | | | welcomed me into their family. Over the years |
| In l969 I began a new life in another city. Within a | | | | our relationship has evolved into a unique |
| week of moving to Boston, Massachusetts, I was | | | | friendship, a cross between a peer and a sister. |
| brutally raped and hospitalized. I never received | | | | December 7, 1986, dressed in an ivory colored |
| help with this trauma and didnt properly grieve | | | | Victorian gown, I was driven to our wedding in a |
| until years later. I pushed down the pain and was | | | | horse drawn carriage. I remember the sensation |
| then, more than ever, resolved to create the | | | | well. As I heard the clip-pity clop of the hoofs |
| perfect life for myself, (as if it were in my | | | | hitting the pavement I felt it was the happiest |
| hands?) | | | | day of my life. The ride was several miles long |
| This was made easy for me when Joey Haudel | | | | and I enjoyed cars honking loudly at every turn. |
| entered my life. He filled the position of my Knight | | | | When we arrived at the elegant Alamo Square |
| in Shining Armour, albeit, distorted. He was young, | | | | Inn Bryan was waiting to escort me inside to the |
| handsome, and alcoholic and had just been | | | | nuptials. It was a good thing he took my hand, for |
| released from prison. We needed each other like | | | | as I exited the carriage, my knees collapsed from |
| ducks need water. We bonded in a codependent | | | | shaking so hard. The day was spectacular marking |
| relationship that lasted 12 years. | | | | a lifetime of love. |
| Our experiences together were astounding. What | | | | Both Bryan and I had always wanted kids. By the |
| I learned about myself was profound. Our journey | | | | time we met my biological clock had run out. He |
| is almost unbelievable. I have told this story in a | | | | told me he would rather marry a woman he |
| dramatic narrative, I Survived: One Womans | | | | loved deeply than to wait for someone to bear |
| Journey of Self Healing and Transformation on | | | | his children. For several years we were content to |
| DVD. It is filled with the dark world of illness and | | | | be a unit of two. After my dear Aunt Letha died |
| moves to the light of wellness. I reached my | | | | in 1992 I longed for a child. Bryan agreed to |
| bottom after years of suffering. I was | | | | adoption. It was an arduous experience requiring |
| contemplating suicide but was saved by the | | | | patience and resilience. We had several |
| Grace of God and the dear voice of a telephone | | | | birthmothers who changed their minds for |
| operator who kept me on the phone for over an | | | | different reasons. This process took three years |
| hour. | | | | and a great deal of money. Ultimately we were |
| I spent years in recovery; beginning with Al-Anon | | | | blessed with a baby girl we named Mariah. Our |
| meetings in 1973, several series of Adult Children | | | | daughter is now 8 years old and the light of our |
| of Alcoholic Therapy Sessions, individual therapy | | | | life. I am grateful I am able to be a good parent |
| with numerous therapists and devouring self help | | | | and I relish every moment I spend with both of |
| books. I had the courage to look within and face | | | | them as a family. |
| the demons. It wasnt easy and many times I | | | | Bryan continues to be my rock, strength and |
| wanted to quit. I often felt I was too depressed | | | | loving support. During our years together I have |
| to get well. One step at a time I forged ahead | | | | had many tragedies including: my brother Johns |
| and never looked back! I visualized a healthy | | | | suicide in 1988, my ex- husband Joeys death |
| prognosis. Today I am living that beautiful picture! | | | | from alcoholism in 1989, and my girlfriend Debras |
| I am happily married to a man 19 years my | | | | suicide in 2002. I was hospitalized with a potentially |
| junior. What makes our relationship extraordinary | | | | life threatening blood clot in my lungs in 1998. |
| is that my husband was born in 1960 the year | | | | Bryan stood by me through all of these. I married |
| after I graduated from high school. I am older | | | | a great guy! I am a fortunate woman to have |
| than his mother. We recently celebrated our 17th | | | | found true love in the heart of a younger man. |
| anniversary and continue to share the most | | | | Each day I thank God for the gifts I have been |
| fabulous life. The secret of our success is our | | | | given. I see my world as peaceful and balanced. |
| deeply committed love for one another. We | | | | My mission is to inspire people to their own healing |
| enjoy a passionate romance. I wish what Bryan | | | | and recovery. It is truly possible to find serenity, |
| and I have could be sprinkled over the world like | | | | joy and love. If I can do it, so can you. |
| angel dust. | | | | |